55+ Joan Rivers Jokes: A Tribute to the Queen of Comedy

Introduction

Joan Rivers, the iconic comedian known for her sharp wit and fearless humor, left an indelible mark on the world of comedy. Her jokes were not only funny but also often pushed the boundaries of what was considered socially acceptable, and that’s what made her a comedy legend. 

In this article, we pay tribute to Joan Rivers with a collection of some of her most memorable jokes. Get ready to laugh out loud!

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Joan Rivers Jokes

1. “I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
2. “I was the only Jewish kid in a Catholic neighborhood. They all did Hail Marys. I did Hail Murrays.”
3. “The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are age-appropriate. For me, that would be a shroud.”
4. “Don’t talk to me about Valentine’s Day. At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass!”
5. “I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again.”
6. “I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years, my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”
7. “People say money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”
8. “I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”
9. “I hate thin people. ‘Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?'”
10. “You know you’re getting old when your back goes out more than you do.”
11. “I’ve learned: When you get a little older, you can’t just talk about the sex part. You have to talk about the coffee part, too.”
12. “Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.”
13. “I was dating a football player. He was so dumb that when I asked him, ‘Can I watch the Super Bowl?’ he said, ‘Sure, as long as you don’t get any blood on the carpet.'”
14. “I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.'”
15. “My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese: most of it’s missing, and what’s there stinks.”
16. “My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.”
17. “I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn’t toss and turn, we’d never have had the kid.”
18. “I was the only one at the playground chained to the ground.”
19. “I can’t wear yellow because it clashes with my medication.”
20. “I can’t wear yellow; it makes me look like a Chinaman.”
21. “At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.”
22. “I had a cold and my doctor told me to drink hot tea. Now I’ll never know what happened.”
23. “You know it’s time to diet when you push away from the table and the table moves.”
24. “The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
25. “Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.”
26. “I knew I was a star. And now the rest of the world seems to agree with me.”
27. “I must admit, I am nervous about getting the COVID vaccine. I don’t want to wake up with fewer wrinkles.”
28. “I have flabby thighs, but fortunately, my stomach covers them.”
29. “My advice: if you ever need to use a bathroom in a hurry, find a hotel lobby. They’re never too busy and they’re always clean.”
30. “At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass.”

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Hilarious Joan Rivers Jokes

31. “I wish I had a twin so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.”
32. “I hate housework! You make the beds, you wash the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again.”
33. “I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”
34. “I’m definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for Best Special Effects.”
35. “I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware.”
36. “I have flabby thighs, but fortunately, my stomach covers them.”
37. “My mother could make anybody feel guilty; she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.”
38. “I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.”
39. “I’ve had so much plastic surgery when I die, they will donate my body to Madame Tussauds.”
40. “You know, you do need mentors, but in the end, you really just need to believe in yourself.”
41. “I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will recycle me.”
42. “My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.”
43. “I don’t excite easily. I only get excited when the check comes.”
44. “If God wanted us to bend over, he’d put diamonds on the floor.”
45. “Looking fifty is great if you’re sixty.”
46. “Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years, I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa, you ripped me to shreds.'”
47. “I hate thin people; ‘Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?'”
48. “I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.”
49. “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”
50. “I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.”
51. “When you’re young, you’re not afraid of what comes next. You’re excited by it.”
52. “My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.”
53. “My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.”
54. “I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Madame Tussauds.”
55. “People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”
56. “I can’t wear yellow; it makes me look like a bananacake.”
57. “I’m on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I’m gonna rip it off.”

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Conclusion

Joan Rivers was a trailblazer in comedy, breaking down barriers and taking no prisoners with her humor. Her jokes were a reflection of her fearless and irreverent spirit. 

Even in her absence, her legacy lives on, and her jokes continue to make us laugh and think. Joan Rivers will forever be remembered as the Queen of Comedy.

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