37+ Ron White Jokes: Laugh Your Way Through Hilarious Humor

Introduction

Ron White is a well-known comedian famous for his unique style and hilarious stand-up comedy. 

His jokes often revolve around his life experiences, alcohol, and the absurdities of everyday life. In this article, we’ll share some of the best Ron White jokes that are sure to tickle your funny bone.

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Ron White Jokes

1. “You can’t fix stupid. There’s not a pill you can take, there’s not a class you can go to. Stupid is forever.”
2. “I had the right to remain silent, but I didn’t have the ability.”
3. “You know you’re drunk when you put your head on the floor and can’t touch it.”
4. “There’s a term for people who are in their 70s, it’s called ‘spoiled’.”
5. “You don’t know what real guilt is until you’ve been married.”
6. “I had the right to remain silent… but I didn’t have the ability.”
7. “I’ve got a good way to cut down on repeat business at the bottom of your cereal box. Put a gun in there.”
8. “You can’t fix stupid. There’s not a pill you can take; there’s not a class you can go to. Stupid is forever.”
9. “They say that marriage is like a deck of cards. At the start, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you’re looking for a club and a spade.”
10. “I used to be a little bit of a drinking man. I’ve been in jail in two countries. I was just drunk in Mexico.”
11. “I tell people I’m not an alcoholic, I’m a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings.”
12. “I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.”
13. “There’s a lot of stuff going on in my head that most people wouldn’t believe.”
14. “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”
15. “I had the worst time getting to the stage, I had a flat tire. I’m telling you, that’s a really bad time for a flat tire.”
16. “I was taking my kid to school the other day, and I looked over, and on the marquee at the school, it said, ‘Welcome students, teachers, and parents.’ That is the biggest mistake that’s ever been made at a school.”
17. “The whole world is drinking, and I’m drinking in the airplane.”
18. “I’ve been known to throw a punch or two… at myself.”
19. “I got thrown out of a bar in New York City. And I ain’t ever been thrown out of a bar in New York City. I’ve been thrown out of a lot of bars, but never in New York City.”
20. “My mom’s gonna kill me for talking about this, but I heard her have sex with my stepdad. It’s disturbing. I love my mom, but not the sounds she makes.”

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Hilarious Ron White Jokes

21. “You ever have a friend who tells a lie and believes it so much they can sell it? You ever have a friend so good at telling a lie, they don’t even know they’re lying? You’re like, ‘You are good. You’re a true believer.'”
22. “People say, ‘You shouldn’t mix business with family.’ Well, I say, ‘Why not? It’s working for the mafia.'”
23. “I don’t have a problem with speed. I have a problem with slowing down.”
24. “I don’t know how to fix a car. If my car breaks down, and it’s not a flat tire, I’m calling a wrecker. That’s what I call it. I call a wrecker.”
25. “There’s a time to drink and a time not to drink, and this is not one of those times.”
26. “I can’t see my watch with my glasses on, but I can’t see what time it is without my glasses.”
27. “They don’t give you food on the airplanes anymore. It’s okay; they don’t give you food in jail either.”
28. “I got the right to remain silent, but I didn’t have the ability.”
29. “I don’t have a problem with speed; I have a problem with slowing down.”
30. “I used to smoke weed. I still do, but I used to too.”
31. “You don’t argue with a sick man, and you don’t argue with a drunk woman.”
32. “People say I have an anger problem. I think they’re stupid.”
33. “If you get a flat tire on the freeway, take my advice, and don’t stop in the middle of the freeway. It’s a bad idea.”
34. “When you’re with me, you’re in great hands. Because I have a commercial driver’s license and, technically, I’m a truck driver.”
35. “I’m not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells.”
36. “You know, everybody makes fun of people from Florida, but if you go to a place called Key West, you can do whatever the hell you want.”
37. “I don’t need to go to church. I respect God, but I don’t fear Him.”
38. “I love Texas. I’m not a Republican. I’m not a Democrat. I’m just a Texan. A tequila-drinking, Son of a Gun from Texas.”
39. “I love a good cigar. There’s something about lighting up a cigar that just makes me feel like a man.”
40. “I like my scotch old enough to order its own scotch.”

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Conclusion

Ron White’s humor is unapologetic and straight to the point, making his jokes both relatable and outrageously funny. His no-nonsense approach to comedy has earned him a dedicated fan base. 

Whether he’s talking about his love for scotch or his unique take on life, his jokes are bound to leave you in stitches. So, next time you need a good laugh, turn to Ron White for a hearty dose of humor.

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