Ex-Wife Jokes: 83+ One-Liners to Lighten the Mood

Introduction

Divorce can be a challenging and emotionally charged experience, but sometimes a little humor can help lighten the mood. In this collection, we’ve gathered over 83+ one-liners and jokes about ex-wives that are sure to tickle your funny bone. 

Remember, these jokes are all in good fun, and we hope they bring a smile to your face. So, let’s dive into the world of ex-wife humor!

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Ex Wife Jokes

1. Why did my ex-wife become an astronaut? Because she needed space!
2. I asked my ex-wife for her new phone number, but she said she would rather not have any “ex”-changes.
3. What’s the difference between an ex-wife and a tornado? Nothing; they both take the house when they leave.
4. My ex-wife told me I’d never find someone like her. Thank goodness for small favors!
5. Why did my ex-wife start working at the bakery? She heard they knead dough, just like her!
6. I told my ex-wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
7. My ex-wife told me she’s seeing someone new. I replied, “That’s great! The trash gets picked up tomorrow.”
8. What’s the secret to a successful divorce? A good lawyer and a sense of humor.
9. I asked my ex-wife if she still loves me. She said, “I used to.”
10. Why did my ex-wife bring a ladder to our divorce proceedings? She wanted to lower my expectations.
11. My ex-wife said I’d never be satisfied. I told her she was right, and that’s why I left.
12. I heard my ex-wife joined a dating site for chickens. She’s looking for a real “coop” partner.
13. I asked my ex-wife for an update on her life. She said, “It’s like living in a zoo, but without the peace and quiet.”
14. My ex-wife said she’s trying to turn over a new leaf. I said, “Good luck; I hope it’s a money tree.”
15. Why did my ex-wife open a bakery? She wanted to prove she could still make some dough.
16. I ran into my ex-wife at the supermarket. She was buying apples. I guess she’s still looking for a doctor.
17. My ex-wife said I’m a control freak. Not sure why she thinks that; I just like things done my way.
18. Why did my ex-wife become a gardener? Because she’s good at making things grow apart.
19. My ex-wife said she’s moved on and found someone better. I replied, “I hope you taught him how to take out the trash.”
20. I asked my ex-wife if she wants to get back together. She said, “No, I’ve already had my daily dose of comedy.”

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Hilarious Ex-Wife Jokes

21. My ex-wife called me and asked if I could lend her some money. I replied, “Sorry, I’m not in the business of financing bad investments.”
22. Why did my ex-wife become a chef? She always loved adding a pinch of drama to everything.
23. I told my ex-wife she’s a fantastic archaeologist. She’s great at digging up the past.
24. What did my ex-wife say when she found out I was dating again? “I knew you’d eventually downgrade!”
25. My ex-wife tried to make me jealous by posting pictures of her new car. I just commented, “Nice upgrade from your previous model.”
26. Why did my ex-wife get a job at the bank? She wanted to make sure I saw her every time I withdrew my money.
27. I bumped into my ex-wife, and she asked, “Do you still miss me?” I said, “No, but my aim is improving.”
28. My ex-wife’s idea of cooking was heating up the microwave. Now she’s convinced she’s a “culinary artist.”
29. Why did my ex-wife become a therapist? She has years of experience driving people crazy.
30. My ex-wife said I never buy her flowers anymore. I replied, “Well, you never watered the ones I got you before.”
31. What’s the difference between a shark and my ex-wife? Sharks only attack when they’re hungry.
32. My ex-wife told me she’s getting married again. I congratulated her on finding someone else to annoy.
33. Why did my ex-wife become a meteorologist? She’s used to making predictions that never come true.
34. I told my ex-wife she’s like a fine wine: she gives me a headache and leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
35. My ex-wife said I ruined her life. I replied, “No, I’m just a chapter in your story, not the whole book.”
36. Why did my ex-wife start a YouTube channel? She wanted a new platform to broadcast her complaints.
37. I asked my ex-wife if she ever regretted our divorce. She said, “Only when I’m awake.”
38. My ex-wife’s idea of compromise is doing things her way, slightly adjusted.
39. Why did my ex-wife become a hairdresser? She always had a talent for cutting things out of my life.
40. My ex-wife told me she’s found happiness. I said, “Great! Now try finding a job.”
41. I asked my ex-wife if she missed me. She replied, “Not at all. My aim is to keep moving forward.”
42. Why did my ex-wife become a magician? She can make my money disappear faster than anyone I know.
43. My ex-wife said she’s taking up yoga to find inner peace. I suggested she also tries finding a new personality.
44. What did my ex-wife say when I wished her a happy life? She said, “That’s all you ever left me with—wishes.”
45. My ex-wife told me she’s become a life coach. I said, “That’s ironic; you couldn’t even coach our marriage.”
46. Why did my ex-wife start a garden? She wanted to see if she could make things grow, other than resentment.
47. My ex-wife said she’s turned over a new leaf. I said, “Let’s hope it’s not a restraining order.”
48. I asked my ex-wife if she’s seeing someone new. She said, “I’m not sure; he keeps running away.”
49. Why did my ex-wife become a locksmith? She’s an expert at locking people out of her life.
50. My ex-wife called me a control freak. I replied, “Well, someone needs to take charge in this world.”
51. I told my ex-wife that marriage is a lot like a deck of cards. She said, “How?” I replied, “In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you’re looking for a club and a spade.”
52. Why did my ex-wife become a stand-up comedian? She always knew how to turn our arguments into a performance.
53. My ex-wife said I never appreciated her. I said, “I did, but the expiration date came sooner than expected.”
54. What did my ex-wife say when she found out I was writing a book? “I hope it’s a coloring book.”
55. Why did my ex-wife become a pilot? She wanted to see how far she could fly away from her responsibilities.
56. I asked my ex-wife if she’s finally found herself. She said, “I’m still searching, but I’ll let you know when I do.”
57. My ex-wife said I’m impossible to please. I replied, “Well, you didn’t seem to have any trouble pleasing the divorce court judge.”
58. What’s my ex-wife’s favorite game? Hide and seek. She’s always hiding her true intentions.
59. My ex-wife said she’s turning over a new leaf. I said, “Just make sure it’s not a restraining order.”
60. Why did my ex-wife become a therapist? She has a PhD in driving people crazy.

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Funny One-Liners About Ex-Wife

61. My ex-wife recently joined a synchronized swimming team. Now, whenever she leaves, I have to synchronize my sigh of relief.
62. Why did my ex-wife become a gardener? She’s an expert at planting the seeds of doubt.
63. I told my ex-wife she’s like a fine wine, but then I realized wine gets better with age, not bitter.
64. My ex-wife said, “You’ll never find someone like me again!” I said, “That’s kind of the point.”
65. Why did my ex-wife open a bakery? She figured she could knead the dough, just like she kneaded our marriage.
66. I bumped into my ex-wife at the grocery store. She asked, “How are you doing?” I replied, “Living well is the best revenge.”
67. What’s my ex-wife’s favorite board game? Trouble. She always finds it, even when it’s not there.
68. My ex-wife told me I’d regret leaving her. I told her I already regret not leaving sooner.
69. Why did my ex-wife start a recycling business? She’s an expert at repurposing old problems.
70. I asked my ex-wife how she’s been. She said, “Living well and loving life.” I said, “That’s funny; I’m doing the same, minus the ‘ex.'”
71. My ex-wife said she’s learning to let go of the past. I suggested she starts with my stuff.
72. Why did my ex-wife become a stand-up comedian? She’s had years of practice turning our marriage into a joke.
73. I asked my ex-wife if she believes in second chances. She said, “I don’t even believe in first ones.”
74. My ex-wife thinks she’s an angel. I told her, “Well, even angels fall from grace.”
75. Why did my ex-wife start a construction company? She’s an expert at tearing things down.
76. I told my ex-wife she’s like a broken pencil. She said, “How?” I replied, “You’re pointless.”
77. My ex-wife said she’s found a new hobby—fishing. I hope she catches someone better than me.
78. Why did my ex-wife become a tour guide? She’s excellent at taking people on a trip to Crazytown.
79. I asked my ex-wife if she’s still bitter about our divorce. She said, “Nah, I’m more of a sour grapes kind of person.”
80. My ex-wife told me she’s working on her emotional baggage. I said, “Well, you could start an airline with all that baggage.”
81. Why did my ex-wife become a detective? She’s always been an expert at finding things wrong.
82. I bumped into my ex-wife at the bookstore. She asked, “Looking for anything specific?” I replied, “A book on how to avoid people like you.”
83. My ex-wife said she’s learned a lot from our marriage. I said, “So have I, and one of those things is that I’m better off without you.”
84. Why did my ex-wife become a weather forecaster? She’s used to making predictions that never come true.
85. I asked my ex-wife if she misses me. She said, “I can’t remember; I’ve got selective amnesia.”
86. My ex-wife told me she’s found her true calling as a lifeguard. I said, “Well, you did have a knack for trying to save something that was drowning.”

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Conclusion

Laughter is a powerful way to cope with life’s challenges, including divorce. While these ex-wife jokes are all in good fun, it’s important to remember that divorce can be a difficult and emotional process for all parties involved. 

Finding humor in tough situations can provide temporary relief, but it’s also essential to approach such matters with empathy and respect. We hope these one-liners brought a smile to your face, and if you’re going through a divorce, remember that there are support networks and professionals available to help you navigate this challenging time.

FAQs

Are these jokes meant to be offensive?

Not at all. These jokes are intended for light-hearted humor and should not be taken as offensive or hurtful.

Can I share these jokes with my friends who’ve been through a divorce? 

Absolutely! Feel free to share the laughter with your friends, but always be mindful of their feelings and whether they might find these jokes amusing.

Is it okay to use humor as a coping mechanism during a divorce? 

Yes, many people use humor to cope with difficult situations. However, it’s important to balance humor with emotional support and professional help if needed.