Laugh with Our 85+ Hilarious Comedian Marriage Jokes!

Introduction

Are you ready for some laughter? We’ve compiled a collection of 85+ comedian marriage jokes that are bound to tickle your funny bone. From the joys of wedded bliss to the quirks of relationships, these jokes are designed to put a smile on your face and brighten your day. 

Whether you’re happily married, single and looking, or anywhere in between, you’ll find something relatable in these humorous anecdotes. So, get ready to chuckle, giggle, and perhaps even snort with laughter as we dive into the world of comedian marriage jokes.

Read more: Funny Jokes About Wives

Comedian Marriage Puns

1. Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you’re looking for a club and a spade.
2. Why do married people live longer? Because they can’t argue with their spouse if they’re dead.
3. My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
4. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
5. Husband: Why do you keep reading our marriage certificate? Wife: I’m looking for the expiration date.
6. My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
7. I asked my wife, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?” She said, “No.” Turns out she was lying.
8. Why did the wife go to the bank? To check if her husband’s account of love is still valid.
9. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
10. Why do married men live longer than single men? Because they’re more afraid of their wives than death.
11. A successful man makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman can find such a man.
12. My wife and I have been married for over 20 years. We’re still happy because we go out twice a week: once for dinner and once for therapy.
13. I’m on my second marriage now. I’m also on my second wife.
14. Why do husbands usually die before their wives? They want to.
15. Marriage is when a man and woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
16. I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
17. I told my wife she was overreacting. She flipped the kitchen table.
18. My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
19. Why do married men gain weight? Because they’re too busy saying, “I do” and not enough, “I don’t want seconds.”
20. Why do married people argue? They can’t agree on which channel to watch.
21. Marriage is like a roller coaster. It has its ups and downs, and sometimes you just want to get off.
22. My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
23. Why do married people always look so happy? Because they’ve got someone to share their misery with.
24. My wife and I have two lovely children and two fantastic houseplants. We let the kids live.
25. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
26. I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands. It’s more effective for asking my wife for forgiveness.
27. My wife and I have a secret to making a marriage last. Two TVs.
28. Why do married people live longer? Because they can’t argue with their spouse if they’re dead.

Read more: Father Groom Speech Jokes 

Comedian Marriage Giggles

29. Marriage is like a workshop. The husband works and the wife shops.
30. My wife says I’m unsophisticated. Imagine that, a woman who married me for my money.
31. I told my wife she’s drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
32. Why did the husband carry his wife over the threshold? Because he couldn’t find the key to the house.
33. My wife told me she needs more space. I said, “No problem, the universe is constantly expanding.”
34. Why do married men gain weight? Because they can’t stop eating their words.
35. Why do men want to get married on the beach? So they can listen to the sound of their words getting carried away by the wind.
36. My wife told me to do lunges to stay in shape. That was a big step forward.
37. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right. The other person is the husband.
38. My wife is on a new diet. She’s only eating the foods that remind her of sex. So now she’s down to three M&Ms.
39. I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.
40. My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that’s what she said.
41. Why do married men die before their wives? They want to.
42. I asked my wife, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?” She said, “No.” Turns out she was lying.
43. Why do married men gain weight? Because they no longer have to attract a mate.
44. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm. I gave her super glue by mistake. She’s still not talking to me.
45. I used to be a people person. Then I got married.
46. My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
47. Why do married people live longer? Because they can’t argue with their spouse if they’re dead.
48. Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you’re looking for a club and a spade.
49. My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
50. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
51. Husband: Why do you keep reading our marriage certificate? Wife: I’m looking for the expiration date.
52. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
53. Why do married men live longer than single men? Because they’re more afraid of their wives than death.
54. A successful man makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman can find such a man.
55. My wife and I have been married for over 20 years. We’re still happy because we go out twice a week: once for dinner and once for therapy.
56. I’m on my second marriage now. I’m also on my second wife.

Read more: Father Of The Bride Jokes

Comedian Marriage Chuckles

57. Why do husbands usually die before their wives? They want to.
58. Marriage is when a man and woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
59. I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
60. I told my wife she was overreacting. She flipped the kitchen table.
61. My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
62. Why do married men gain weight? Because they’re too busy saying, “I do” and not enough, “I don’t want seconds.”
63. Why do married people argue? They can’t agree on which channel to watch.
64. Marriage is like a roller coaster. It has its ups and downs, and sometimes you just want to get off.
65. My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
66. Why do married people always look so happy? Because they’ve got someone to share their misery with.
67. My wife and I have two lovely children and two fantastic houseplants. We let the kids live.
68. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
69. I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands. It’s more effective for asking my wife for forgiveness.
70. My wife and I have a secret to making a marriage last. Two TVs.
71. Why do married people live longer? Because they can’t argue with their spouse if they’re dead.
72. Marriage is like a workshop. The husband works and the wife shops.
73. My wife says I’m unsophisticated. Imagine that, a woman who married me for my money.
74. I told my wife she’s drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
75. Why did the husband carry his wife over the threshold? Because he couldn’t find the key to the house.
76. My wife told me she needs more space. I said, “No problem, the universe is constantly expanding.”
77. Why do married men gain weight? Because they can’t stop eating their words.
78. Why do men want to get married on the beach? So they can listen to the sound of their words getting carried away by the wind.
79. My wife told me to do lunges to stay in shape. That was a big step forward.
80. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right. The other person is the husband.
81. My wife is on a new diet. She’s only eating the foods that remind her of sex. So now she’s down to three M&Ms.
82. I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.
83. My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that’s what she said.
84. Why do married men die before their wives? They want to.
85. I asked my wife, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?” She said, “No.” Turns out she was lying.
86. Why do married men gain weight? Because they no longer have to attract a mate.
87. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm. I gave her super glue by mistake. She’s still not talking to me.
88. I used to be a people person. Then I got married.
89. My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

Read more:

Husband Jokes Memes

Comedian Jokes About Marriages

Conclusion

We hope you enjoyed this collection of comedian marriage jokes as much as we did. Laughter is a fantastic way to bond and relieve stress, so feel free to share these jokes with your spouse, friends, or anyone who could use a good laugh. 

Remember, in the world of marriage, a little humor can go a long way. Don’t forget to check back for more hilarious content, and may your days be filled with love, laughter, and happiness.

FAQ

What’s the best way to share these marriage jokes with friends and family?

You can share these jokes with friends and family by copying and pasting the ones you like into a text message, email, or through your favorite social media platform. Laughter is meant to be shared!

Can I use these jokes in my stand-up comedy routine?

Of course! These jokes are meant to entertain, so feel free to incorporate them into your comedy routine. Just remember to credit the source if you’re performing in a public setting.

Are there more comedian jokes available on different topics?

Yes, there are jokes and humor available on a wide range of topics. If you’re looking for more jokes or specific content, feel free to ask, and we’ll be happy to assist you!