45+ Amy Schumer Jokes – One-Liners to Brighten Your Day

Introduction

Get ready for a rib-tickling ride as we present 45+ uproarious Amy Schumer jokes, each packed into a bold one-liner. Brace yourself for witty quips, humorous observations, and a delightful escape into Schumer’s comedic universe. Whether you’re a fan or a newcomer to her style, these jokes promise to inject a hearty dose of laughter into your day. 

From self-deprecating humor to clever observations on everyday life, Schumer’s comedic prowess shines in this collection. Enjoy the wit, embrace the absurd, and let the laughter roll.

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Amy Schumer Humor

1. I told my mirror I was going to start a diet. It burst into laughter.
2. I asked my scale for its honest opinion. It replied, “You’re on thin ice, buddy.”
3. I tried to join a fitness class, but they said my enthusiasm was making the other participants uncomfortable.
4. My refrigerator is a lot like my dating life – full of leftovers and lacking excitement.
5. I accidentally wore two different shoes to the gym. Now I have a new workout called “The Limpy Stride.”
6. I bought a self-help book on procrastination. Still haven’t gotten around to reading it.
7. I went to a fancy restaurant and ordered a salad, and the waiter looked at me like I asked for a table for one at a party of five.
8. I decided to take up jogging for health reasons. The healthiest part was when I stopped.
9. I told my friend I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. He said, “You can’t put it down, huh?”
10. I joined a support group for people who have a phobia of commitment. We meet every other week.
11. I asked my cat if it loves me unconditionally. It knocked a plant off the windowsill and walked away.
12. I tried to embrace minimalism, but the cashier at IKEA just wouldn’t take no for an answer.
13. I told my mom I’m going to become a stand-up comedian. She laughed. I laughed. The toaster laughed. I shot the toaster.
14. I bought a plant to improve my air quality. It’s dead now. Apparently, oxygen wasn’t enough.
15. I thought I’d give up chocolate for a week. Five minutes later, I realized I’m not a quitter.
16. I tried to make a to-do list, but I couldn’t find a pen. So, that’s the end of that ambition.
17. I told my dog I’m on a diet. He gave me a look that said, “Remember that time you ate an entire pizza?”
18. I got a job as a baker because I kneaded dough. Now I’m rolling in the dough.

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Amy Schumer Puns

19. I told my parents I want to be a comedian. They laughed. I laughed. The microwave laughed. I put my food in too long.
20. I tried to learn how to juggle. Now I just have a collection of bruised fruit.
21. I asked my friend if he believes in life after death. He said, “Not if you’re the one cooking.”
22. I tried meditation to reduce stress. It worked until I realized I was two hours late for work.
23. I decided to become a vegetarian. It was a missed steak.
24. I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
25. I thought about going on a juice cleanse. Then I realized it’s called a “smoothie.”
26. I signed up for a marathon. Turns out, you have to run for more than just the ice cream truck.
27. I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered, “They’re right behind you.”
28. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
29. I tried to lose weight by drinking green tea. Apparently, vodka doesn’t count.
30. I got a job as a baker because I kneaded dough. Now I’m rolling in the dough.
31. I asked my phone if it could recommend a good therapist. It responded with an emoji.
32. I started a band called “404 Error.” We haven’t found our sound yet.
33. I told my friend I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. He said, “You can’t put it down, huh?”
34. I tried to become a vegetarian. It was a missed steak.
35. I asked the computer if it believed in love at first sight. It responded, “No, but I’ve heard about clickbait.”
36. I told my dog I’m on a diet. He gave me a look that said, “Remember that time you ate an entire pizza?”

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Amy Schumer Chuckles

37. I decided to become a baker. Now I’m just rolling in the dough.
38. I asked my scale if it believes in second chances. It replied, “Not after that second helping.”
39. I tried to learn sign language, but it was too hard to hear the teacher.
40. I told my cat I’m going to start eating healthier. It looked at me like I had betrayed the entire feline community.
41. I decided to give up caffeine. It was the most wakeful 30 minutes of my life.
42. I asked my friend if he believes in life after death. He said, “Not if you’re the one cooking.”
43. I decided to start a band for introverts. We haven’t performed yet.
44. I told my wife I’m going to be more spontaneous. She said, “Okay, clean the bathroom without being asked.”
45. I tried to become a gardener. My plants are the only things dying faster than my enthusiasm.
46. I asked my mirror if it thinks I’m too critical of myself. It cracked under the pressure.
47. I told my therapist I have a fear of commitment. She said, “I’ll bill you later.”
48. I decided to try skydiving. The parachute didn’t open, but my expectations did.

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Conclusion

We hope these Amy Schumer jokes brought a smile to your face and a hearty laugh to your day. Comedy has the unique power to connect us through shared moments of joy, and Schumer’s humor has a way of resonating with a broad audience. 

If you found these jokes entertaining, consider exploring more of Schumer’s work for an ongoing supply of laughter. Remember, humor is a wonderful antidote to the challenges of life, so keep laughing and spreading the joy!

FAQs

Who is Amy Schumer?

Amy Schumer is a renowned American comedian, actress, and writer known for her bold and often self-deprecating humor. She has achieved widespread acclaim for her stand-up specials, television shows, and film roles.

Are these jokes suitable for all audiences?

While Amy Schumer’s humor is widely appreciated, some jokes may contain mature or adult themes. Reader discretion is advised, and it’s recommended for a mature audience.

Can I share these jokes with friends and family?

Absolutely! These jokes are crafted for sharing laughter. Feel free to spread the joy with friends, family, and anyone in need of a good laugh.