213+ Hilarious One-liners About Stealing

Introduction

Stealing is a serious matter, but sometimes a good joke can lighten the mood. Whether you’re looking to break the ice or simply enjoy some comedic relief, here are over 213+ hilarious one-liners about stealing that are bound to tickle your funny bone.

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Stealing Jokes

Why did the thief take a bath before robbing a house? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway!
What do you call a stolen Tesla? An Edison.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? He kneaded the dough!
Why did the burglar break into the music store? He wanted to steal the lute.
Why don’t thieves ever get puns? Because they take things literally!
Why did the thief take a ladder to the bar? Because he heard the drinks were on the house!
What do you call a stolen calendar? A date-napping!
Why did the burglar take a shower? He wanted to make a clean escape!
What’s a thief’s favorite type of music? Steal drum.
Why was the burglar so good at hockey? Because he always had a good stick!
Why did the burglar go to art school? He wanted to learn how to draw!
What do you call it when a burglar breaks into an algebra class? A theft of knowledge.
Why don’t thieves ever play hide and seek? Because good at hide, not good at seek!
What did the thief say to the detective who caught him? “You’ve stolen my heart, officer.”
Why did the burglar rob a bank dressed as a clown? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway!
What did the thief say when he saw an open window? “I’m pane-fully tempted!”
Why did the burglar bring a notebook to the crime scene? He wanted to take notes!
What did the thief say to the judge? “I swear, I didn’t take it personally!”
Why did the burglar break into the shoe store? He wanted to put his best foot forward!
What did the thief say to the stolen goods? “You’re under a-rest!”
Why don’t thieves ever fight? Because they always take flight!
What did the thief say to the safe? “You can’t keep a secret from me!”
Why did the burglar break into the bakery at night? He wanted to steal some dough!
What did the thief say to the jewelry store? “I’m here to make a withdrawal!”
Why did the burglar break into the zoo? He wanted to take a walk on the wild side!
What’s a thief’s favorite type of cheese? Swiss, because it’s hole-y!
Why did the burglar become a gardener? Because he heard the grass is greener on the other side!
What did the thief say to the museum exhibit? “You’re priceless!”
Why don’t thieves ever gamble? Because they always fold!
What did the thief say to the stolen TV? “You’re a sight for sore eyes!”
Why did the thief take a bath before robbing a bank? He wanted to make a clean heist!
Why did the thief rob the bakery? He had a passion for white-collar crime!
What did the burglar say to the stolen TV? “You’re the prime suspect!”
Why did the thief go to the party? He heard it was a steal!
What did the burglar say to the computer? “You’ve got some serious byte!”
Why did the thief become a chef? Because he loved taking bites out of crime!
What did the burglar say to the police officer? “I promise, it was just a slip of the hand!”
Why did the thief rob the hotel? He wanted to check out with more than just a key!
What did the burglar say to the diamond necklace? “You’re a real gem!”
Why did the thief rob the clock store? He wanted to buy some time!
What did the burglar say to the stolen painting? “You’re a masterpiece!”
Why did the thief bring a flashlight to the robbery? He wanted to lighten the mood!
What did the burglar say to the stolen watch? “You’re timeless!”
Why did the thief rob the bakery? He kneaded the dough!
What did the burglar say to the stolen bicycle? “Let’s roll!”

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Humorous Stealing Jokes

Why did the thief become a magician? He wanted to master sleight of hand!
What did the burglar say to the stolen wallet? “You’ve got some cash appeal!”
Why did the thief rob the zoo? He wanted to take a walk on the wild side!
What did the burglar say to the stolen jewelry? “You’re the missing piece!”
Why did the thief become a gardener? He heard the grass is greener on the other side!
What did the burglar say to the stolen phone? “You’ve got some serious calling!”
Why did the thief rob the art gallery? He wanted to brush up on his culture!
What did the burglar say to the stolen camera? “You’ve captured my attention!”
Why did the thief become a teacher? He wanted to educate himself on the art of stealing!
What did the burglar say to the stolen purse? “You’ve got some serious bag-age!”
Why did the thief rob the candy store? He had a sweet tooth for crime!
What did the burglar say to the stolen keys? “You’ve unlocked my potential!”
Why did the thief rob the construction site? He wanted to build his wealth!
What did the burglar say to the stolen passport? “You’ve got some serious travel potential!”
Why did the burglar take a suitcase to the crime scene? Because he wanted to make a quick getaway!
What do you call a stolen vegetable? A celery-napper!
Why did the thief bring a map to the robbery? Because he wanted to steal the treasure!
Why don’t thieves ever get lost? Because they always find their way to the loot!
What did the burglar say to the locked door? “You can’t keep me out!”
Why did the thief join the circus? He heard they had a high-stakes ring!
What do you call a stolen horse? A horse thief’s ride!
Why did the burglar break into the bakery at midnight? He wanted to make off with the dough!
Why did the thief take a map to the art gallery? To find the masterpieces, of course!
What did the burglar say to the security guard? “I’m just here for a late-night stroll!”
Why did the thief bring a flashlight to the crime scene? Because he wanted to shed some light on the situation!
What do you call a stolen car in a snowstorm? A cold case!
Why did the burglar bring a camera to the jewelry store? To capture the gems, of course!
What did the thief say to the stolen watch? “Time’s on my side now!”
Why don’t thieves ever become chefs? Because they can’t stand the heat!
Why did the thief go to the farmer’s market? He heard they had a bounty!
What do you call a stolen necklace? A chain reaction!
Why did the burglar break into the candy store? He had a sweet tooth for crime!
What did the thief say to the stolen wallet? “You’re light as a feather!”
Why don’t thieves ever play cards? Because they can’t handle being dealt with!
What did the burglar say to the security camera? “Smile for the heist!”
Why did the thief bring a rope to the mansion? To pull off a high-stakes robbery!
What do you call a stolen painting? Art theft!
Why did the burglar break into the bookstore? He wanted to write his own story!
What did the thief say to the stolen diamond? “You’re a girl’s best friend now!”
Why don’t thieves ever invest in stocks? Because they prefer a quick return!
What did the burglar say to the stolen cash? “You’re mine now!”
Why did the thief bring a disguise to the bank? To make a withdrawal in style!
What do you call a stolen sofa? A couch-napper!
Why did the thief bring a ladder to the library? Because he wanted to climb the ranks!
What do you call a stolen bed? A sheet steal.

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Best Stealing Jokes

Why did the burglar take a job in the bakery? He wanted to make some dough on the side!
Why don’t thieves like to play cards? Because they always get caught with a hand in the cookie jar!
What did the burglar say when the alarm went off? “Time to make a quick getaway!”
Why did the thief bring a pencil to the crime scene? To draw a plan, of course!
What do you call a stolen jet? A high-flying heist!
Why did the burglar break into the flower shop? He wanted to make a clean bouquet!
Why did the thief go to the barbecue? Because he heard the steaks were high!
What did the burglar say when he saw the police coming? “Time to split!”
Why did the thief break into the clock store? He wanted to take the hands of time!
What did the burglar say to the judge? “I’ll take the fifth!”
Why did the thief rob the math book? He wanted to take a few chapters out!
What did the burglar say to the stolen car? “Let’s hit the road!”
Why did the thief become a gardener? Because he wanted to cultivate some green fingers!
What do you call a stolen loaf of bread? A crumbly caper.
Why did the burglar break into the music studio? He wanted to make some illegal downloads!
Why don’t thieves ever go to sleep? Because they’re always up to something!
What did the thief say to the stolen diamond? “You’re a real gem!”
What did the thief say to the stolen bicycle? “Let’s take a ride on the wild side!”
Why don’t thieves ever invest in stocks? Because they prefer a quick cash grab!
What did the burglar say to the stolen TV? “Let’s Netflix and disappear!”
Why did the thief break into the antique store? He wanted to make history!
What do you call a stolen camera? A Kodak moment.
Why did the burglar take a map to the crime scene? Because he wanted to navigate his way to the loot!
What did the thief say to the stolen jewelry? “You’re worth your weight in gold!”
Why did the thief break into the zoo? He wanted to take a walk on the wild side!
What do you call a stolen guitar? A riff-raff robbery.
Why don’t thieves ever write novels? Because they prefer to steal the plot twists!
Why did the burglar break into the candy store? He wanted to sweeten his haul!
What do you call a stolen watch? A ticked-off timepiece.
Why don’t thieves ever play chess? Because they always try to checkmate!
What did the burglar say to the security guard? “Just doing a little late-night shopping!”
Why did the thief become a chef? Because he knew how to cook the books!
What do you call a stolen barbecue grill? A hot heist.
Why did the burglar break into the brewery? He wanted to steal a pint of interest!
What did the thief say to the stolen painting? “You’re a real masterpiece!”
Why don’t thieves ever visit the zoo? Because they don’t want to be caught monkeying around!
What do you call a stolen smartphone? A cell-snatcher.
Why did the burglar take a nap at the crime scene? Because he needed to rest his case!
What did the thief say to the stolen wallet? “Looks like I’ve got some pocket change!”
Why did the burglar break into the gym? He heard they had the best abs!
What do you call a stolen telescope? A far-out felony.
Why don’t thieves ever go to the beach? Because they’re afraid of getting caught in a sand trap!
What did the burglar say to the stolen painting? “You’re a real work of art!”
Why did the thief become a tailor? Because he knew how to stitch together a plan!
What do you call a stolen laptop? A byte-sized burglary.

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Stealing One-Liners

Why did the burglar break into the church? He wanted to make a confession!
What did the thief say to the stolen credit card? “Let’s go on a shopping spree!”
Why don’t thieves ever skydive? Because they’re afraid of a fall arrest!
What do you call a stolen bicycle? A wheely good getaway vehicle.
Why did the burglar break into the costume shop? He wanted to masquerade as someone else!
What did the thief say to the stolen book? “Looks like I’ve got some bedtime reading!”
Why don’t thieves ever become detectives? Because they prefer to work outside the law!
What do you call a stolen calculator? A calculated theft.
Why did the burglar break into the coffee shop? He heard they had the best beans!
What did the thief say to the stolen keys? “Looks like I’ve got the key to success!”
Why don’t thieves ever play soccer? Because they’re afraid of getting a red card!
What do you call a stolen microwave? A heated heist.
Why did the burglar break into the toy store? He wanted to play cat and mouse!
What do you call a stolen skateboard? A rolling robbery.
Why don’t thieves ever go to the circus? Because they’re afraid of clowning around!
What did the thief say to the stolen perfume? “Smells like victory!”
Why did the burglar break into the theater? He wanted to steal the spotlight!
What do you call a stolen telescope? A sky-high theft.
Why don’t thieves ever go to the spa? Because they don’t want to be caught in a steamy situation!
What did the thief say to the stolen headphones? “Let’s turn up the volume!”
Why did the burglar break into the farm? He wanted to make a clean getaway with the cash cow!
What do you call a stolen umbrella? A rainy-day robbery.
Why don’t thieves ever visit the bakery? Because they’re afraid of getting caught loafing around!
What did the burglar say to the stolen sunglasses? “I’ve got to shade my eyes from all this brilliance!”
Why did the thief break into the art gallery? He wanted to paint the town red!
What do you call a stolen treadmill? A running robbery.
What did the burglar say to the stolen wallet? “Looks like I’ve got some cash flow!”
Why did the thief break into the pet store? He wanted to make a purr-fect crime!
What do you call a stolen telescope? A star-studded theft.
Why don’t thieves ever go to the amusement park? Because they’re afraid of getting caught on camera!
What did the burglar say to the stolen passport? “Looks like I’ve got a ticket to ride!”
Why did the thief break into the bicycle shop? He wanted to pedal away with a steal!
What do you call a stolen light bulb? A bright idea, stolen.
Why don’t thieves ever go to the gym? Because they’re afraid of breaking a sweat!
What did the burglar say to the stolen wallet? “Looks like I’ve got some credit to my name!”
Why did the thief break into the zoo gift shop? He wanted to make a wild purchase!
What do you call a stolen pillow? A soft-touch theft.
Why don’t thieves ever go to the library? Because they’re afraid of getting booked!
What did the burglar say to the stolen wallet? “Looks like I’ve got some pocket change!”
Why did the thief break into the candle shop? He wanted to light up his life of crime!
What do you call a stolen hammock? A swinging heist.
Why did the burglar break into the ice cream parlor? He wanted to scoop up some treats!
What do you call a stolen computer mouse? A clickety-clack theft.
Why don’t thieves ever go to the bakery? Because they can’t resist taking a slice!
What did the thief say to the stolen camera? “Say cheese!”

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Funny Stealing Jokes

Why did the burglar break into the circus? He wanted to steal the show!
What do you call a stolen telescope? A sight-stealing scope.
Why don’t thieves ever invest in stocks? Because they prefer quick cash grabs!
What did the thief say to the stolen painting? “You’re a true masterpiece!”
Why did the burglar break into the movie theater? He wanted to catch a sneak preview!
What do you call a stolen pencil? A graphite grab.
Why don’t thieves ever become actors? Because they hate being in the spotlight!
What did the thief say to the stolen jewelry? “You’re worth a fortune!”
Why did the burglar break into the gym? He wanted to lift more than just weights!
What do you call a stolen lawnmower? A grass-grabbing getaway.
Why don’t thieves ever go to the art gallery? Because they’re already experts at stealing art!
What did the thief say to the stolen money? “Looks like I’ve hit the jackpot!”
Why did the burglar break into the hospital? He wanted to make a clean getaway!
What do you call a stolen textbook? A lesson in larceny.
Why don’t thieves ever go to the zoo? Because they’re afraid of getting caught in a cage!
What did the thief say to the stolen watch? “Time is on my side!”
Why did the burglar break into the flower shop? He wanted to pick up some buds!
What do you call a stolen mattress? A bed-lam burglary.
Why don’t thieves ever become chefs? Because they prefer to steal recipes!
What did the thief say to the stolen wallet? “Cha-ching!”
Why did the burglar break into the perfume store? He wanted to smell like a million bucks!
What do you call a stolen calculator? A number-nabbing caper.
Why don’t thieves ever become teachers? Because they don’t want to be caught in a lesson plan!
What did the thief say to the stolen painting? “You’re a real work of art!”
Why did the burglar break into the music store? He wanted to steal some notes!
What do you call a stolen TV? A channel-changing theft.
Why did the burglar break into the zoo gift shop? He wanted to take a walk on the wild side!
What do you call a stolen dictionary? A wordy heist.
Why don’t thieves ever become fishermen? Because they prefer hooking valuables!
What did the thief say to the stolen headphones? “Sounds like a steal!”
Why did the burglar break into the theater? He wanted to audition for the role of the cat burglar!
What do you call a stolen umbrella? A rainy day robbery.
Why don’t thieves ever play hide and seek? Because they’re always hiding from the law!
What did the thief say to the stolen passport? “Looks like I’ve got a ticket to ride!”
Why did the burglar break into the toy store? He wanted to play cops and robbers for real!

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Conclusion

Stealing might not be a laughing matter, but these oneliners certainly provide some light-hearted amusement. Remember, it’s always best to stick to legal ways to get your laughs!

FAQs

Are these jokes meant to encourage stealing?

Not at all! These jokes are purely for entertainment purposes and should not be taken seriously. Stealing is illegal and unethical.

Can I share these jokes with friends and family?

Absolutely! Feel free to share these jokes to spread some laughter, but always remember to respect others’ boundaries and sensibilities.

What should I do if I witness someone stealing?

If you witness someone stealing, it’s important to report it to the appropriate authorities. Remember, honesty and integrity are always the best policy.