57+ Hilarious One-Liners About the Mean Friend

Introduction

Everyone has that one friend who’s a master of snark, sarcasm, and all-around meanness. But instead of taking offense, we often find ourselves laughing at their sharp wit. 

Here’s a compilation of jokes that capture the essence of that mean friendship we all love to tease.

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Mean Friend Jokes

1. Why did the mean friend bring a ladder to the bar? Because they heard the drinks were on the house, and they wanted to claim the high ground.
2. What did the mean friend say to the broken elevator? “Looks like you’re taking your job to new lows.”
3. Why did the mean friend become an astronaut? Because they heard there was no atmosphere for people to hear their insults.
4. What did the mean friend do when asked for a slice of pizza? They cut it into triangles… with one tiny piece missing.
5. Why did the mean friend become a gardener? So they could tell the plants to “leaf” them alone.
6. What did the mean friend say about the sculptor’s work? “Well, it’s certainly a masterpiece… if you’re into abstract art.”
7. Why did the mean friend refuse to play cards? Because they didn’t want to deal with anyone’s nonsense.
8. What did the mean friend say when someone complained about the heat? “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the… oh wait, you’re already out.”
9. Why did the mean friend bring a flashlight to the party? So they could throw shade even in the dark.
10. What did the mean friend say about the singer’s performance? “They hit all the wrong notes… and a few I didn’t even know existed.”
11. Why did the mean friend become a detective? So they could solve mysteries like “Who stole my patience?”
12. What did the mean friend say to the marathon runner? “You call that running? I’ve seen turtles move faster.”
13. Why did the mean friend refuse to lend their umbrella? “I’d rather let you drown in the rain than endure your company.”
14. What did the mean friend say about the new haircut? “It’s bold… I’ll give you that. But so is putting pineapple on pizza.”
15. Why did the mean friend become a chef? So they could criticize people’s cooking without having to eat it.
16. What did the mean friend say about the comedian’s jokes? “I’ve heard funnier eulogies at a funeral.”
17. Why did the mean friend bring a map to the party? So they could find their way out of conversations.
18. What did the mean friend say about the magician’s tricks? “If I wanted to see things disappear, I’d check my bank account.”
19. Why did the mean friend become a lifeguard? So they could yell at people for drowning inefficiently.
20. What did the mean friend say to the lost tourist? “You’re about as useful as a GPS with a dead battery.”
21. Why did the mean friend become a bartender? So they could water down people’s drinks and their spirits simultaneously.
22. What did the mean friend say about the romantic movie? “If I wanted to watch people make poor life choices, I’d visit my family.”
23. Why did the mean friend become a psychologist? So they could analyze people’s insecurities and charge them for the privilege.
24. What did the mean friend say about the new dress? “It’s… certainly a choice. Just not one I would ever make.”
25. Why did the mean friend bring a dictionary to the beach? So they could correct people’s grammar while they sunbathed.
26. What did the mean friend say about the superhero’s costume? “It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s… definitely not fashion-forward.”
27. Why did the mean friend refuse to join the dance party? “I’d rather sit here and judge your moves from a safe distance.”
28. What did the mean friend say about the birthday cake? “Well, at least the calories won’t linger as long as the regret.”
29. Why did the mean friend become a tailor? So they could measure people up and cut them down to size.
30. What did the mean friend say about the love letter? “It’s cute… if you’re into grammatical errors and emotional manipulation.”

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Humorous Mean Friend Jokes

31. What did the mean friend say about the marathon runner? “I didn’t know snails were allowed to compete.”
32. Why did the mean friend become a lifeguard? So they could save people from drowning… in their own insecurities.
33. What did the mean friend say about the new restaurant in town? “I hope the food is better than their taste in décor.”
34. What did the mean friend say about the movie? “It had more plot holes than Swiss cheese.”
35. Why did the mean friend become a tailor? So they could stitch together insults with precision.
36. What did the mean friend say to the comedian? “Stick to your day job… oh wait, you’re already failing at that.”
37. Why did the mean friend bring a fan to the beach? So they could throw even more shade under the sun.
38. What did the mean friend say when someone sneezed? “Bless you. It’s not like your manners need it, but your immune system might.”
39. Why did the mean friend become a teacher? So they could grade papers with a red pen… and their own brand of judgment.
40. What did the mean friend say about the new haircut? “I didn’t know the ’90s were making a comeback.”
41. Why did the mean friend become a chef? So they could critique people’s taste… in both food and life choices.
42. What did the mean friend say about the art exhibit? “I’ve seen more talent on a preschool refrigerator.”
43. Why did the mean friend bring an umbrella to the party? So they could rain on everyone’s parade.
44. What did the mean friend say about the charity event? “I’d donate, but my kindness budget is already overdrawn.”
45. Why did the mean friend become a pilot? So they could soar above others… both literally and figuratively.
46. What did the mean friend say about the new song? “It’s like nails on a chalkboard, but with less melody.”
47. Why did the mean friend bring a stopwatch to the game? So they could time how long it takes for everyone to annoy them.
48. What did the mean friend say about the fashion show? “I didn’t know garbage bags were the new trend.”
49. Why did the mean friend become a journalist? So they could criticize society… and individuals… and pretty much everything.
50. What did the mean friend say about the joke? “I’ve heard better comebacks from a snail.”
51. Why did the mean friend bring sunglasses to the party? So they could throw shade and protect their eyes from the glare of mediocrity.
52. What did the mean friend say about the magician’s trick? “I’ve seen more impressive disappearances in my social life.”
53. Why did the mean friend become a referee? So they could penalize people for every minor infraction… and major ones too.
54. What did the mean friend say about the weather forecast? “Just like your plans, it’s bound to be disappointing.”
55. Why did the mean friend bring earplugs to the concert? So they could drown out the noise… and the enthusiasm of others.
56. What did the mean friend say about the book club? “I prefer my literature with less pretentiousness and more plot.”
57. Why did the mean friend become a painter? So they could splatter criticism… along with paint.
58. What did the mean friend say about the comedian’s joke? “I’ve heard better punchlines from a toddler’s knock-knock joke.”
59. Why did the mean friend bring a dictionary to the party? So they could correct everyone’s grammar… and their life choices.
60. What did the mean friend say about the selfie? “I didn’t know narcissism came in high definition.”

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Conclusion

While having a mean friend might lead to occasional eye-rolls, their quick wit and sarcasm often provide endless entertainment. 

These jokes capture the playful banter we share with those friends who keep us on our toes.

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